Velvet Slippers

"Oh! I didn't see you come in." That's the kind of thing you can say with confidence while turning away from your mantlepiece, snapped from your reverie - if you're wearing a pair of velvet slippers. Pipe clenched in teeth, ascot cradling chin, and toes housed in sumptuous velvet. You will be the spitting image of a Satanic Victorian pervert.

 But I can assure you, dear reader, that our new slippers (made for us by English shoe designer Jeffery West,) aren't only for such rarified specimens of humanity. One can wear them sockless with jeans to a wholesome picnic, with dress hose to play footsie with the debutante next to you at the opera, or simply taking a victim friend on a routine midnight inspection of your wine cellar wearing naught else but a fez and a lascivious leer.

The slippers are available in blue or black velvet and feature a devilish cloven heel and a Tudor rose embroidered onto the toe. They can also be used to shoo away dementia-induced hallucinatory demons.